Kill All Humans
by Anne Loucks
One of my best friends professes to hate people, and wishes openly that most of the human race could be exterminated with the push of a button. In truth, she seems to have a strong moral compass, and as far as I know, her verbal wishes have never been backed up by any action.
I don't really believe she would like a world containing no other people anyway. An earth without people would be lonely, and activities like getting food would become laborious and difficult. Utility services would cease. Medical care would be almost nonexistent. I find the idea bleak and depressing, but then I generally like people, and she generally does not.
Despite my friend's eugenic thoughts, I still enjoy her company immensely. She is creative, funny, and even more geeky than I am. Recently, she was foolish enough to leave her cat and her car in my care for a couple weeks. In the spirit of friendship, I have modified her Volvo station wagon with a large red button on the dashboard labeled "Kill All Humans". It does not make any cool explosion noises, as my original design had intended, but it does click satisfyingly when pressed.
Now, whenever someone cuts her off in traffic or the radio says something irritating, she can push the big red button, and imagine lightning from the heavens coming down to smite her tormentors. She does not even need a reason. The entire human race can be exterminated at her whim. The button is always there, with its comforting thoughts of instant solitude.
When installing the button I wondered how other people would react to it. A laugh is my intended response, but will some people be horrified? How many of them will push the button? Will any of them have genocide in their hearts as their finger presses down? I particularly wonder how a police officer might behave. After stopping my friend for a simple speeding ticket, a cop could easily overreact upon sight of the button, especially if she were frantically pushing it in the hopes of avoiding a speeding ticket.
In this new terrified world order, my joke might be thought of as serious. I can envision legions of people descending on my friends car to make certain that a simple bottle cap only clicks and does not cause anything to detonate, her car rapidly disassembling itself, everything, and everyone nearby.
As far as power fantasies are concerned, destroying the world with a button press is popular. Many James Bond villains employ such fantastic devices, firing giant lasers from space to incinerate cities, releasing poisonous gas to kill everyone, or spreading a lethal disease throughout the food supply.
Some actual people have similar powers. The president of the United States is one such person. Anyone with a large nuclear arsenal at his fingertips can actually do what this button fantasizes about. This scares me, and makes me feel insignificant. I must simply trust that world leaders will not decide to incinerate me. I must trust that countries in the world can remain friendly enough that we don't all need to kill each other.
I do not wish to dwell on such sad thoughts, so In the meantime, I shall concentrate on my personal friendships, trying to increase the mirthfulness of those around me. Weirdly, the "kill all humans" button is likely to strengthen our friendship. She will be reminded of me whenever the button is pressed.
I can bond with some people over dinner and drinks. Others become closer as teammates in sports. She and I, however, bond over the fantasy of world destruction.
