Not A Leg To Stand On
by Anne Loucks
One of my very good friends was given the privilege of cleaning out her deceased grandmother's house. There, she found, a well-used prosthetic leg belonging to the old woman. This false limb has been kept and cherished for years, where it has a special place in our annual journey to Maggotfest, a gigantic rugby tournament in Missoula Montana.
This tournament is not known for its high-quality rugby. Instead, Maggotfest is famous for its bacchanalian party. When our games are finished, grandma's prosthesis always comes out for the shindig. Now, many fake legs are simply poles of metal with a small cup for insertion of one's stump at the top and a roughly foot-shaped piece of plastic at the bottom. Grandma's leg, however, was designed to look somewhat realistic. It is light pink and has a large cup for the stump, which extends all the way to a well-shaped rubber foot at the end. The cup is watertight, and this has led to a somewhat unorthodox use for grandma's old leg. We employ the prosthesis when holding and dispensing beer. It has a lip, and is of sufficient volume to contain about a gallon of liquid.
Rugby players love to drink. This is probably because of a need for pain relief after partaking in such a foolish sport. Alcohol usually fills this need, often washing some ibuprofen down with it. Drinking beer from the leg is certain to get looks, and others frequently wish to share in the joy. Many have attempted to imbibe a full leg in one mad rush of pain-dulling foolishness. All have failed, but there never seems to be a shortage of people who come to worship the prosthesis and its alcohol dispensing abilities.
The leg's adoring masses have even added decorations. Now, it has stickers, bandages, painted toenails, and lots of love. If you were worried that grandma might feel offended at the current employment of her leg, my friend assures me that the dead old woman would be amused to know her fake limb is part of a giant party.
When I die, I hope even one of my possessions is loved half as much as the leg. I want people to enjoy my things, and remember me with them. Hopefully my beneficiaries can find something which is not merely utilitarian. Hopefully, they can find something to play with.
For the uninitiated, please note that a cup is being held beneath her chin, so any beer she spills may be recycled.
